The Shouting Ghost

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“Hey! … Hey man! …  … HEY MAN!”  That’s all I hear at night in this god damned haunted house. The realtor said “Are you ok with haunted houses?” I said “Haha, sure!”  And I was “sure”, I mean, that’s what I thought! I mean, she could have been joking which would be fine, and even if she was telling the truth, I thought, Yeah sure! Ghosts are neat! I’ll live with ’em, they’ll probably scare me sometimes but it’ll be really interesting and neat! Friends’ll come over and we can stay up late, giggling and getting scared together. Or if I had a lady over she’d get scared and then jump into my arms! “Yes! I love GHOSTS! Let me buy the house already..”

“Hey! … Hey man! … HEY, I’M DEAD MAN!  …

                                                                                       HEY!!!”

What a jackass… I’m so mad. Not neat at all this fucking ghost. I’m not an impatient person, I tried to work with him, tried rapping with him about subtlety… I said “Why don’t you try whispering “Hey I’m dead man.” sometime? Why don’t you wear a sheet and peek at me from keyholes or between the banister on the stairs. Jackass just stands on my coffee table in his dumb… sports team hoodie.

“Hey!! … Hey I’m a dead guy! HEY I’M A DEAD GUY! Hey!

                              HEY!! I’M 

                              DEAD!”

“I KNOW! Christ, I know.” Maybe, if I understood sports more we’d get along. Maybe if I put on a football game he’d sit down and pantomime eating a bag of Doritos. I’ll try it…

“Alright Jackass I’m putting on football, you happy? Tell me you’re happy, please just say.. “I’m happ-

“HEY!”  …

“… Go on… say your crap.”

“HEY!!!  HEY! MAN!  … HEY! …”

“GO ON!  SAY YOUR CRAP!  SAY YOUR CRAPPY MANTRA YOU BASTARD GHOST!  SAY THAT DUMB THING YOU PROBABLY SAID RIGHT BEFORE YOU DIED SO YOU WERE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT FOREVER!”

“HEY!  HEY MAN!  … HEY I’M SO DEAD… THAT WHEN THEY LAYED ME IN MY COFFIN… I SAID… ANYONE HAVE ANY ROBITUSSIN!?  IT’S A COUGH SUPPRESSANT!!”

“……   whaaaaat?!”

“HEY! HEY MAN I’M SO DEAD… I PUT EMBALMING FLUID IN MY RICE KRISPIES TO PRESERVE THE CRUNCHINESS!”

“…. wow.”

“HEY MAN! I’M SO DEAD YOU CAN PUT ME IN A LASERDISC PLAYER AND WATCH A COLLECTION OF TEN SECOND CLIPS SHOWING OFF ANIMALS FROM THE SAN DIEGO ZOO!!!”

What the hell is happening? Maybe, because I yelled at him he’s trying to switch up his routine? This is amazing. I love this.

“HEY!! HEY MAN!! I’M SO DEAD DONALD TRUMP LAYS ME ON TOP OF HIS HEAD EVERY MORNING AND COMBS ME EVERY NIGHT!!! I’M HIS TOUPEE!!!”

“Thank you Shouting Ghost, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world.”

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