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Not all of the subject, you understand. Not even remotely. More nearly, the yoga-related thoughts of a late apprentice.

Most people seem to have an aversion to exercise. They seem to regard it as painful. I’m addicted to it. I haven’t felt the usual way about exercise since I discovered distance running in 1959 when Doc Bannister broke the four-minute mile. (Until I was in my late forties, and ridiculous as the ambition was, I didn’t give up the dream of somehow running an impossible number of miles a week till I was lean as whipcord and broke the world record.)

Which they started doing with a lot of regularity from the sixties on, breaking the record. I haven’t kept up and don’t know where the world record is now but I would guess it was down around 3:44. More and more they don’t even run it. Everybody runs the fifteen hundred. But no matter how many times they break the record now, none of the efforts will ever seem so incredible as that first sub-four. There will never be a three-minute mile. I guess you could go for a 200-second one. Seems a stretch though.

Anyway my point before that was that, regardless of my original motives, my fascination with running made me a distance runner, mediocre at best, but I, the four-eyed intellectual son of a Baptist preacher, became an actual ath-a-lete. All I had to do was run forty or so miles a week at a six-minute pace.

What was even more wonderful was how I felt, nimble and yet almost undentable. And all I had to do was exercise.

Distance running actually worked. Not many practices did.

It changed my life. I became addicted to exercise. There were some strange side-effects. When I came into graduate studies with fellow writer/intellectuals, I was suddenly seen as a jock. All my life and in some measure to this day I’ve seen myself as the spindly and undernourished clown, the social idiot who’s good with numbers and writes poetry and makes good grades.

But being considered a jock was irresistible, and I fell for it, not noticing at first all the bad things, including envy, that came along with the status.

You probably noticed I made one undiscussed assumption, that yoga is exercise. Yeah, I think so.

Even elementary yoga practice, kept up for a while, can be aerobic. The body begins to generate internal heat (you “warm up” quite literally), which is called, from the Sanskrit I think, “tapas” (spelled the exact the same way as the word for finger food in Spain).

Nowadays I never think of vigor in terms of numbers, but used to be I kept track of distances and times.   Even devised an aerobic ratio for yoga. I considered thirty minutes worth equal to running a mile in ten minutes.

This dodge was more strategy than fact. At first, it was what I had to do to allow myself to replace some of my aerobic exercise with yoga.

But here’s the thing.   There was always, even for such a life-long over-compensating ubergeek, that instant of dread before I started. I was addicted working out, but I never got rid of the shiver of panic just before I started. I have it just before I launch into the cold water to swim.   I have that reaction, in some measure, to this very day. Even though I’ve done every asana in my repertoire thousands of times, sometimes I dread beginning a session, or a even an asan, which leads up to—finally—my theme.

Everyone needs to find a way to overcome that dread. It’s only momentary when you establish the habit, but you have to beat that only momentary dread, or nothing at all will happen. My daughter laughed aloud reading a book this morning, and when I asked, quoted a line in which a father told his son to be sure and “start what you finish.”

That’s one way I handle the the moment.

Just do it, like Nike says.

But seriously, all the benefits will come from that one moment. Without it, nothing. With it, everything. None of the good results will come from not beginning.

Still, there’s the pain angle. Not a big one, and you get used to it. It really isn’t a pain, just an inconvenience.

To who? Okay, you big chicken. Begin.

That’s another.

But like I’ve been trying to say in all of this, the best remedies are physical, not matters of ideation. You wanna get so used to the twinge it aint a pain any more. That’s one of the differences, one of the ways to tell.

With a real pain, your opinion doesn’t matter.

It has been an approach to doing the asanas that proven the most successful way of side-stepping that beginning moment.

I was accustomed to doing them as fixed positions, in which the purpose was to achieve a maximum stillness and to hold it. Sometimes, when I wanted to do yoga that was frankly aerobic, I would, instead of trying to perfectly accomplish fixed positions, what I was trying to achieve was smooth and easy flow from position to position, with and without a hesitation in the position. Probably usually just a few seconds of hang.

In the fixed-position approach, I was trying to train myself to hold the ideal (most stress-balanced position) for various intervals, and approximating the seconds by going 1234 2234 3234 and so on. Some as long as an eighty-count, most 48 or fewer.

The aerobic, or “flow” approach had no threatening aspect. You would not have to endure the strain of holding a position for a long count. This way was much faster but required nearly the same energy, so eventually breathlessness could conceivably be a problem but you let it not be one by resting whenever you want to. If you think about it, you’re more likely to keep doing a good thing if it doesn’t hurt so much, and you know it holds the way to make you feel better.

There’s a reason.

It does. It actually does. I have never known anyone not to feel better after a session of yoga that is appropriate to for his or her condition. I have never, not once in what is now ten years of steady yoga, failed to feel better after a session of any length whatsoever (but usually at least twenty minutes worth).

Every now and then just remind yourself that no matter how silly a script-writer might make a yoga or yogini seem, the point is not to be thought either cool or uncool, but to develop a set of exercises or performances that will actually improve your health and make you feel better.

On a regular basis, you can make yourself feel better.

I can’t tell you how much I look forward to the days when I will allow myself to chant out loud. I especially like ending this ritual warm-up—kneeling, with my feet out behind me and butt on a block—“Shanti. Shanti. Shanti.”

Always, every time, by the end of the chant, I’m asking for peace within myself. It’s really impossible to do yoga correctly without that aim. But the good news is you have only to begin. You cannot begin it wrongly. Or if you do, you will learn better. That’s a frequent way to learn how to do things right, doing them wrong and not getting the results you want.

Don’t let that little cold-water-slap or needle-sting of dread keep you from starting what you finish.

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With Binoculars and other stories

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Marth inherited thirty grand. It came in the form of direct deposit, a small percentage of his grandmother’s estate. A cancer of the inside put her away. In memory, Marth spends Tuesday evenings in her presence. Her legs are crossed. She holds a slim cigarette. They sit on beach furniture. She’s widowed, and enjoys straw hats, colorful drinks, and the company of her growing grandson. She tells him, “One day, you can spend it all,” while Marth scratches at the sand, wishing for the sun to disappear completely.


He needed a few things now–a new wardrobe (white high tops, black denim, silk button-ups [he will not wear this clothing in the sun]), a 4×4 truck that can dismantle the dunes, a home stereo with the latest Tom Petty record, a pawn shop pistol to ward off intrusion. He put himself ahead on rent. He quit his janitorial job and erased all debt. His friends were friends again. Carrie, his ex, forgave him. She claimed passenger in his new ride. The radio worked perfectly, the FM band bright and clear. Together, they visited someone who recently returned from a spiritual journey in South America. This person sold red brick hash. They were having a good time, devouring sweet smoke. They drove around the strip and yelled at people on the street. At stoplights, they held small conversation with folks driving hot rods. Marth said their engines had “a very fine pulse.” They visited Wolf Photography and Optical, a store on the strip. Marth wanted a pair of binoculars to see what was ahead. Carrie pointed at a camera behind the counter, and Marth shed a few fifties from a rubberbanded bundle. She pointed again but shot a camera this time around.

She photographed the clouds. She photographed alleyway-neon. She photographed Marth gripping the steering wheel of his new truck. He was proud of this truck. She photographed stray dogs with long dry tongues. She photographed people with blurred tattoos and disfigured hair. She photographed the chrome pistol he kept in the glove department. Why not?

He eventually took her to a spot where a horizon of blond grass led to the ocean. “This place is important and filled with peace,” he said. They shared the Pacific until Marth thought of his pistol. He handled it freely, yipped into the air, and fired the gun for the sake of heathen freedom. Carrie photographed this. Camera ablaze, pistol ablaze.

When out of ammunition, Marth remembered the binoculars he purchased at Wolf Photography and Optical. He brought the device to his eyes. Everything magnified, he watched the curved grass tilt in the breeze. He watched critters move in the sand. He watched the diamond ocean and gazed at the sun until it weakened, the star making a slow dip into darkness. In that darkness, he couldn’t see anything except the moon, so he focused on its landscape, its lunar silver, its craters. Carrie asked what was he staring at? With the binoculars, he told her imperfections could be something good, that flaws somehow forgave the earth of its carelessness, that this day was over.


I told her I wanted to inhale the polish vapor from her toes. She ignored me. I told her I wanted to kiss her limbs as she toodle-a-doo’d around the house in nothing but a pair of drawers. She ignored me. I told her I wanted to conceive a pair of twins with her, and at the last second, decide against the idea. She stormed off somewhere in the house, this cruel ritual of us, and she ignored me.

In a meltdown, I purchased a car, a Buick-make, big-white luxury thing, two doors. “You don’t want to go with four?” I asked.

“This is what I like,” she said. “Driver only. Passenger only. And a struggle to get in the backseat.” Hand on a cross, that’s what she said, and a struggle to get in the backseat. We gave it a test drive, made our way around the neighborhood. She waved at boys on the sidewalk and said she dreamed of leather interior.

“Should I park in the garage?” I asked. “To get a feel?”

“Don’t even try,” she said, “just keep driving.” Bound to her in chaperone-form and doomed to lose a couple grand.

The dealer wore aviator sunglasses, his face glossed in sweat at the thought of a sale. He wanted me to sign fast. He said there were a number of couples, just like us, waiting to arrange budgets around this ride. “Believe me,” he said, “the interior is dandy. You’re getting a deal.” She liked that, the thought of a deal, a man identifying her needs. She smiled at him good. I felt a pinch of pure jealousy. Goddamn him.

Driving the car home, I accepted everything. Passion runs until its empty, a drought land. I’m to the point where hearing her piss in the toilet causes frothing at the mouth. Madness in the midsection. Damaged, I’m to the point where I trade money for a shot at household skin. I’m to the point where I drive, drive, drive until I make it to the garage. I’m to the point where being ignored is physical pain. I’m to the point where I’ll propose anything for a feel.


To calm myself in nervous situations, I force my mind to visualize the shape of an arrowhead, a symmetric vision. I know where it comes from. The one I had when I was a kid. Gray-colored stone, a treasure in a decent collection, smooth and jagged at the same time. Either my father or stepfather gave it to me. It’s foggy.

My stepfather was responsible for most of the collection. He came home with a hunk of obsidian one afternoon, volcano glass from the center of the earth. He found it after digging a ditch for the city. The best backhoe operator in Lexington, he was paid overtime to drag mysterious waters around town. A jailbird once confessed to putting an eighteen year old beauty queen into a waterhole, but my stepfather found nothing except silt and junked tires. One time, he bought me some tiger-eye onyx at the Casey Jones Train Museum. He told me this kind specifically was good luck, so I stuffed them deep into the pockets of my denim cut-offs and hoped for the best. Mom would receive a miniature fortress of crystal quartz as an anniversary gift for their two year. Then she went back to bed. A few months later, she was awake and re-gifted it to me. I put it on my nightstand and made a habit of touching the crystal every morning before school.

But that perfect arrowhead, it could’ve easily come from my real father when he roused me from sleep early in the AM. This was the small window of time when he wasn’t divorced. He woke her, said we were going for a Huddle House breakfast and then yardsales. She didn’t come with us, and we didn’t go to a yardsale. We stalked Pinson Mounds and looted the former ceremonial site of the Chickasaw tribe. Dad told me to be quiet, we could get in trouble, a federal offense, thrown in prison.I remembered thinking the mounds were little mountains with oak trees.

In October, I wore a black windbreaker. The sun came in, moments before dawn, and I followed the grim reaper tattooed on my father’s elbow, the insignia to a motorcycle club he was in debt to. He dug his fingers in the grass and dirt, picking pieces of pottery, translucent chert, and hammer-rocks. I wondered if the native phantoms would come at us with tomahawks and warpaint. But the Chickasaw were a peaceful tribe, and we left the mounds with our Huddle House to-go bag filled with theft, a true father and son moment. Months later, he set up a tent in the parking lot of the local fairgrounds, selling the artifacts for as much as twenty-five dollars a pop.

Yeah, the arrowhead came from either my father or stepfather and disappeared in the same fashion. My dad could’ve taken it with him when he left, something to remember me by, a good luck charm for the highway in front of him. He needed it as he fled to Florida to escape an assault charge. I can almost recall him coming into my room, thinking I was asleep, and putting the perfect arrowhead into his military backpack. Or I gave it to him personally when I ran outside, hearing the crank of his ’79 Harley Knucklehead. I told him, “Take this for the road. Come back when you can.” His leather-gloves accepting whatever was in my hand. I want to believe this happened.

The vanishing could also be blamed on my stepfather. I left in a hurry. Things had turned strange–bills weren’t paid, no electricity in the mornings. He began staying in the shed after work, pulling all-nighters. Strange men appeared with cruddy teeth. My mother was awake and found cut-up straws in the washing machine. I was blamed.

Later, my stepfather’s backhoe entered a no-dig zone, piping busted. The city gave him a piss test. He failed, couldn’t be trusted with a backhoe no more, lost his job. We needed money. He liked crystals so much he learned how to make them in the shed. More men in mesh ball caps with scabs on their elbows appeared. Paranoia brewed. My mother slept. So I packed a bag, touched the quartz on my night stand, deserted everything.

Now, to calm myself in situations where I’m in the dark, where isolation is full, the edge near, and there’s nothing left but meditation, I think about that symmetric arrowhead, the color of an overcast sky, something that could fit in the palm of my hand, serrated, sharp, and I always come to the same idea, the same question: Who do I blame?




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First of all, the title is sort of a joke (and sort of not). I don’t really intend to talk about the “zen” of yoga.

Though by the time I get through, you may feel I did.

Here’s the way I see it: If there is a spiritual world (and I think there is), it’s the same world as the “fleshly” world. Almost all God-centered religions make a distinction between the world of the “spirit,” and the world of the “flesh” (which is often, in the Bible, I suppose for simplicity’s sake, referred to merely as “the world”). I think that’s an unnecessary dualism.

I think they are one and the same world. How can there be more than one? This is it. If spiritual things happen, they happen in the same world that physical things happen. I think the “mind/body” distinction is unnecessary and in fact extremely misleading. It invents concepts that do not apply.

If we, as a species, through science, learn more about this world we will also be learning more about the spirit. Again, as I say, that’s my opinion.

I don’t think we have souls any more than “the grass of the fields” in
Ecclesiastes. I suspect we may become souls, by living our lives. I have no idea whether those souls are immortal, and will not try to say here.

With respect to yoga, if you practice it, there is a very real sense in which you are practicing godly behavior. One cannot gradually understand more and more about the body without beginning to understand more and more about the mind, or spirit. It’s not that the two are inseparable. It’s that they’re the same thing. If we insist on treating them as two separate undertakings, our efforts will result in confusion, and sometimes even in despair.

My mentor in yoga described teaching yoga to Baptists once, and how they insisted on being taught merely the “physical” side of the discipline, and not the “spiritual” side, which they found theologically dangerous. It isn’t possible to teach the two separately, but she knew what they meant, and delivered herself of no theological observations while teaching them.

But the fact that someone is not talking to you about the “spiritual” with relevance to yoga does not mean nothing spiritual is happening.

A discipline that shows you how to control your body’s reactions so well that you are practically immune to fear cannot possibly be “merely” physical. If the spiritual and the physical were not one and the same, how could “merely” physical action take care of that hysterical tyrant, fear? How, if the two did not exist in the same world, could you possibly govern your own emotions by learning to govern your typical physical reactions to that emotion?

To account for that fact without assuming the spiritual and the physical are one and the same, you have to invent all sorts of preposterous and untestable arrangements. You’d have to be able to believe “six impossible things before breakfast,” as I think either Humpty-Dumpty or the Red Queen claimed the ability to do in Through the Looking Glass.

What sorts of things can you learn about “the spiritual world” by doing yoga? Well there’s probably an infinity of learnings to get on with. All you have to do is pay attention. The knowledge won’t come to you as theological assertion, though. It’s more a matter of understanding how things are connected, of understanding the relative importance of behaviors. I don’t claim to be all that advanced in the practice of yoga. But I can see already the sorts of awareness it stimulates. Awareness is simply awareness. It does not carry “true/false” valences. Things simply are the way they are, and you are aware if you are aware of them.

I’m not saying all this to proselytize—I grew up Southern Baptist, and I learned to hate proselytizing. By me, it’s the Ponzi scheme of “religion.” You have to “witness” in order to prove your faith. You have to keep bringing new people in, not only to still your personal fears, but to keep the whole enterprise going kaput. I’m saying this to give you a heads-up, so when the effects start happening—and they will, if you keep practicing–you’ll know what they are and what to do with them (let them keep on happening, basically, and pay attention).

I’m well aware of the instant dismissal of yoga your typical citizen displays (even citizens who go to the gym). Many (and maybe most) people treat yoga as just more highfalutin nonsense, as “navel-gazing,” as just an other esoteric fad, “Eastern” silliness, nothing a practical person would bother with.

I’ve been there. I’m here to tell you that if you think of yoga that way, the reason is in your own make-up, and not in the practice.

You don’t have to be afraid of the spiritual characteristics of yoga. Why should you be? Yoga does not judge, does not punish. It just teaches. The choice to keep on learning is with you, not the teacher.
If you feel judged or punished, the feeling is coming from you, or perhaps from some wannabe “expert,” some vociferously “practical” person. Sometimes even your yoga instructor. I have known more than a few instructors who were aware of yoga only as a physical competition. They could yoga rings around me, it’s true. But they started as assholes, and they are assholes still.

Here’s how it is for me: There’s damn few arts or disciplines or behaviors or activities, or whatever you want to call them, that actually deliver. This is a crooked old world, all right, and W. T. Barnum was right.

So if I’m gonna believe anything in this crooked and confusing old world, it’s gonna be a practice that has actually, observably, and in my own personal experience, delivered the goods.

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In Santa Fe, we had a three-legged cat named Truchas. We named her for the town, about forty miles northwest of Santa Fe, where we found her as a kitten (she had four legs then, but broke her hip too badly to fix several years later). Before we moved to Santa Fe, we went to the area frequently on vacation, and that time we had stayed a few days in a bed and breakfast out on the high mountain ridges. Truchas is notable for the fact that for a week or so after she lost her leg, every time she tried to walk, she went backwards. Something had gone with the mechanics. But she got control of the situation, and never looked back.

I loved that cat.

Anyway, whenever I would do a little yoga (this was a few years before I became a regular), she would come purring around. She loved it. My notion was that maybe she had been a yogi in a previous life.

And no doubt some of you have noticed what happens when you do ado mucha svanasana (downward-facing dog) around your dogs.

That asana is exactly the stretch that a cat does when rising from a nap, or a dog does when he or she wants to play—it is, to a dog, the play bow. When you do it, dogs recognize it. They think you want to play with them.

They recognize other asanas, too. To them, it’s sign language.

I once wrote a story called “The War on Drugs,” about a Vietnam vet who had learned to smoke marijuana to help him get through the Vietnam War, The character (who is not me, by the way—for one thing, I’m not a vet) has developed a sort of stretching and loosening technique that highly resembles yoga.

Even though the character is not me, I borrowed this behavior from my own. For years, before I began doing yoga regularly (three times a week, about an hour and forty-five minutes for each session, with spot sessions on many of the other days), I used to engage in such behaviors as rolling on my back, crouching like various animals, from frogs to lions to eagles, and other stretches.

It was, I see now, an intuitive approach to the disciplines of yoga. And when I say “disciplines,” I do not mean punishments.

There was a famous yogi who practiced and taught a sort of free-form yoga. He didn’t do prescribed asanas, but took his body through poses and situations that had the same effect. I’d tell you his name if I remembered it. I’ve looked everywhere, but so far have not seen a mention of the guy.

All of which I say to preface an observation I made long before I began my regular practice, and which I realize all over again when I do the asanas: They are, all of them, very similar to (if more advanced and conscious than) the movements and stretches made by animals and children. It has helped me a lot to realize that what I am doing is, essentially, returning my body to a state of innocence.

The animals don’t do yoga because somebody tells them they ought to. They do it because it makes them feel better.

Watch a young child at play. Watch the sheer unself-conscious movements and positions. Have you seen a child sitting in a sort of squat, his knees slapping his air-filled cheeks so that he emits a farting noise? Or doing cartwheels? Or arching her back in the grocery store while she leans over?

There’s a reason the “baby” asana is called the baby asana.

Start watching children at play, the wonderful, unsummable wilderness of their range of motion. I’ve become convinced that as we age, we become aware of unspoken prohibitions about “funny” movements. Watch just about any adult you want to, and compare his or her movements with the movements of children. You’ll see how restricted our motions become as we age. We won’t let ourselves move that way, and as a result, we lose the capacity.

There are hardly more than a dozen permitted movements for adults in this country. Try standing in a doorway with your arms out to the jambs, helping hold you up in a bent-knee position and flapping your knees first outward, then inward to meet and back outward and so on. Try it at work, and see what happens.

Self-consciousness is to blame. Nobody is more self-conscious than a teen-ager, even though I find myself almost never paying attention to one. That’s when we begin to learn how we are “supposed” to move and how we are not. I suppose the onset of puberty declares us budding adults, and so the unspoken rule but thoroughly absorbed rule is that from now on we must restrict our movements.

The best thing about yoga classes is they give you an excuse to move that way. It helps to have a name for it: “Oh, I’m just doing yoga.”

But think back to the way you moved as a child. Watch your animals.

And when you do asanas, it helps if you see that you are relearning how to move freely, youthfully. Like a child, like an animal.


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We asked Cole Furlow of the band Dead Gaze for a seasonal mix. Here’s what he had to say:

“I made this mix right around my favorite time of year. For some reason, the fall and all its glory take me in. As always, I feel the temperature and start to live differently. I understand things slower. Feeling low seems to be the passing fad of the summer. The amount of interest and excitement for the future heightens as my life seems to fade in the most subliminal way. I think of this mix as a big vat of liquid soap engulfing all the worry, cleansing us in autumn happiness. Travel hard with me. Listen at any volume and you’ll still get it. Or not. Just know its here for you.”

1. We Do Nothing – Tom Vek
2. Okpo Videa Bassouo – Gnonnas Pedro Et Ses Panchos
3. Cielito Lindo – Citara Trio (Ar)
4. Astral Cowboy – Curt Boettcher
5. So Fine – Howard Johnson
6. Coronado II – Polaris
7. Demolition Girl – The Saints
8. Connection – ?
9. Felt-

Here you go, kiddos. Enjoy.

The Beginnings

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Painting by Claire Whitehurst

Painting by Claire Whitehurst

I see the palace when I close my eyes, alone in bed, the room dark and tidy around me. When I drive. Sometimes when I take notes during meetings, I map out the entryway to level two – it’s a balustrade lined with smiling banner men. Jane, my daughter, loves the entryway because the game stops for a moment there and a series of fairies dance a sequence that contains within it a secret code you can use to jump levels. We’ve never figured out the code – it was just something I read about online – but it’s the dance that she loves. Jane is seven-years-old. Fairy Forest II is the video game we play. I’m not familiar with Fairy Forest I, but there must have been a forest in it. I’m not sure. Fairy Forest II is all set in Fairy Palace.


Six dogs scratch at the window next to Mark. He lies on his bed, just below the sill. He enjoys watching the animals attack, knowing his house has beendogonwindow secured. They’re cute, actually. One is a Pomeranian, which his mother used to always like. The others are mutt, mostly, and not unhealthy. They have the joyful glow of play on their faces, and are robust. It is clear their diet has been recently constant. They’ve been eating the refugees in Water Valley, most likely, Mark thinks. He taps the glass to work them up.


William had never helped his son, Malcolm, before, not with work. But this was a tiger Malcolm wanted, and William had tigers. In particular, he had 58266_10151414215858278_1669853491_nMakaila and Makaila was dead. She’d been on the news is how it had happened, because she’d been killed by Maliki, her partner, in view of a family of four. The father had even caught part of it on camera. It wasn’t that unusual, William was told. They were playing. Each was five years old, they were cubs no longer. Look. William had been working at the zoo for twenty-seven years. He’d seen three rhesus monkeys die after eating leaves on a philodendron growing just outside their enclosure.


Joel was a sailor. He spent his days and nights in a green sailboat floating atop the seven seas. His favorite sea was the second one, named the Sycamorcaptaine Sea, because so many sycamore trees grew along its coast. Most days the green water of the Sycamore Sea was quiet and calm. But one night, after Joel retired to his cabin, took off his necktie, brushed his teeth, hung up his spyglass, and fell asleep in his hammock, he was awakened by a very strong thunderstorm. Lightning flashed through his small porthole window. Thunder boomed. The wind blew hard enough that water sprayed through the air. Joel lowered the sail, battened the hatches, made a cup of tea, and turned on a small radio. In time, the storm blew away and Joel fell asleep to the music of his favorite composer, Maurice Ravel. When he awoke the next morning, he stepped on deck. What he saw was amazing.

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